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Another night of torture, dry heaving every few hours when the… - In an Interstellar Burst... [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
I Need to Change.

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[Jul. 12th, 2016|12:41 pm]
I Need to Change.
Another night of torture, dry heaving every few hours when the nightmares force me awake. I can't wait until Saturday for clarity and catharsis. We've never gone 2 days without speaking since we began, let alone 5. And it's just so arbitrary that I really don't like the precedent it sets. I'm your partner in life and have been for years. Now I'm being penciled in for a Saturday appointment? I want to respect her feelings while simultaneously respecting my own. But this is going to hurt, no matter when we tackle it. And it's not fair to push this back.

Maybe it's just some sort of test to see if I'll be passive in this. I don't know. But rather than try to decipher signals, I'm just going to be true to myself. I cannot bear the silence. After all these years, I honestly believe I'm owed more than that.

Our combined inability to handle confrontation makes us prone to periodic major blowups like this. If (when?) things get patched up, I'm going to suggest that, every couple weeks, or whatever time period is appropriate, we set aside time for serious talk where we assess the state of the relationship. We make it a priority to share everything that's on our minds and in our hearts, and we handle these things as they arise. It's just more healthy that way.

I know we can get past this. We can be better. We still have a strong foundation. We just need to be more upfront with our feelings and expectations. I never meant to make her feel as if she was taken for granted. That couldn't be further from the truth. If that was my crime in this, I can absolutely fix that. Because I can't envision a life without her, and I don't want to learn how.