||[Jul. 11th, 2016|12:22 pm]
I Need to Change.
I know I have to be strong and try to keep everything in perspective, but I just keep coming back to the same thought: Why am I not enough? Why am I never enough?|
I spent all night fighting nightmares and throwing up. Every few minutes I think of one of our future plans we had and start sobbing again as I watch it flicker and fade away in my head.
I know she was disappointed that I didn't have my PhD yet, but that's changing. I'm supposed to defend as soon as Albrecht gets back from overseas at the end of August. I told Albrecht that once I got my PhD in hand, I was going to start talking with her about proposing (she didn't know this, though). We were supposed to move in together once my lease is up and her work contract is up in December, or soon after. And then once my work at SU is done in May we'd figure it out from there. We were finally taking care of ourselves, eating right, exercising, getting help for our depression. We were on the cusp of getting everything right. Everything we worked for was coming into view and I can't just believe it's over. All these steps I've been taking have been to secure a good life for us, for whatever future we decide on together. Whether that involves kids or not, I honestly could go either way. As long as it was with her. She was my end goal, the only constant in whatever future I envisioned, my one true certainty. Now I don't know what the fuck to do.
I don't want to bug her. I want to give her space if that's what she needs. I just want to know why this is happening. She cut off the conversation so abruptly that I've got nothing to work from. I can't heal if I don't even know if this is really over or if this is just a major scare. I just know that if we sit down and talk about it, really talk about it, we could get it sorted out and we'd both feel better, whatever the outcome.
But I won't stop loving her, no matter how much it hurts right now.