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I Need to Change.

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(no subject) [Dec. 6th, 2016|09:11 pm]
I Need to Change.
Today I defended my dissertation. I never thought this day would come, but I did it. I passed. I'm a doctor now. Now I'm going to go hibernate for a while!
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(no subject) [Aug. 18th, 2016|08:12 pm]
I Need to Change.
I wonder if she feels as empty as I do some nights. This time that used to be spent with her... I don't know what to do with all of it now.
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(no subject) [Aug. 14th, 2016|12:40 am]
I Need to Change.
I've spent a couple solid weeks in the anger stage now. It's easier than being sad, but I hate feeling this way.
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(no subject) [Jul. 17th, 2016|01:02 am]
I Need to Change.
It's over now. I'll write more when I have processed everything that happened. But I just lost the greatest love I've ever had, and it really was all my fault. I just never knew how hard our situation was on her. At least she wants to remain friends. It will kill me to do it, but right now that's preferable to losing her entirely.
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(no subject) [Jul. 15th, 2016|03:03 pm]
I Need to Change.
Driving home for the weekend. Tomorrow we talk. I'm going to give this all I've got. But if she doesn't love me anymore, then there's nothing I can do.
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(no subject) [Jul. 15th, 2016|01:14 am]
I Need to Change.
I'm sobbing and I have to tutor for the next 4 hours. I took her for granted. This is all my fault. I have no one to blame but myself.
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(no subject) [Jul. 14th, 2016|09:46 pm]
I Need to Change.
Still trying to stay hopeful, but I'm pretty sure she's just done.
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(no subject) [Jul. 14th, 2016|01:51 pm]
I Need to Change.
Back to feeling shitty. Going to go out and attempt to stay out until sundown again. I've got so much to say to her, so many realizations to share, but I feel like she won't believe me or want to hear them.
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(no subject) [Jul. 13th, 2016|08:42 pm]
I Need to Change.
Today was... a little better. I heard from her. We talked about non-relationship things, and it felt good to just talk about light stuff. I also left the house on a Pokemon Go adventure, went to Richie's (a new local pizza place) and chatted with the owner for about a half hour about various things. Then I walked around the mall a bit, then walked around Otseningo Park.

It felt good to go out. I wish Kali was here with me for all this.
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(no subject) [Jul. 13th, 2016|06:19 am]
I Need to Change.
I can't eat, I can't sleep. I reach out to her and she's not there. I left another text and another voicemail. I'm making such a fool of myself.

I was looking at an old picture of us looking happy together on her Facebook. The caption she wrote for it said "It looks like we won the lottery and the prize was each other." I can't be the only one who knows things can be like that again.
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(no subject) [Jul. 12th, 2016|12:41 pm]
I Need to Change.
Another night of torture, dry heaving every few hours when the nightmares force me awake. I can't wait until Saturday for clarity and catharsis. We've never gone 2 days without speaking since we began, let alone 5. And it's just so arbitrary that I really don't like the precedent it sets. I'm your partner in life and have been for years. Now I'm being penciled in for a Saturday appointment? I want to respect her feelings while simultaneously respecting my own. But this is going to hurt, no matter when we tackle it. And it's not fair to push this back.

Maybe it's just some sort of test to see if I'll be passive in this. I don't know. But rather than try to decipher signals, I'm just going to be true to myself. I cannot bear the silence. After all these years, I honestly believe I'm owed more than that.

Our combined inability to handle confrontation makes us prone to periodic major blowups like this. If (when?) things get patched up, I'm going to suggest that, every couple weeks, or whatever time period is appropriate, we set aside time for serious talk where we assess the state of the relationship. We make it a priority to share everything that's on our minds and in our hearts, and we handle these things as they arise. It's just more healthy that way.

I know we can get past this. We can be better. We still have a strong foundation. We just need to be more upfront with our feelings and expectations. I never meant to make her feel as if she was taken for granted. That couldn't be further from the truth. If that was my crime in this, I can absolutely fix that. Because I can't envision a life without her, and I don't want to learn how.
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(no subject) [Jul. 12th, 2016|03:13 am]
I Need to Change.
Please come back to me and end this nightmare. I know we still love each other! This can't all have been for nothing. God, this hurts. I didn't think it was possible to cry for almost 35 hours straight, but I've accomplished it.
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(no subject) [Jul. 11th, 2016|09:06 pm]
I Need to Change.
I finally heard from her. She didn't want to talk, or to see me. Now she wants to wait until Saturday to talk again. I fought for the relationship but I feel like it fell on deaf ears. Part of me hopes she remembers this journal exists and comes to read it. I doubt she does or will, though.

I tried, so hard. But depression got the best of me these past few years. Now I'm losing her because of it. I thought she would understand given that she battles it too, but I fear she's already killed whatever parts of her that loved me. She tries to be too logical in times like this. I think she's too afraid to let herself hurt this much.

All I know is that I can't wait until Saturday. This is killing me.
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(no subject) [Jul. 11th, 2016|12:22 pm]
I Need to Change.
I know I have to be strong and try to keep everything in perspective, but I just keep coming back to the same thought: Why am I not enough? Why am I never enough?

I spent all night fighting nightmares and throwing up. Every few minutes I think of one of our future plans we had and start sobbing again as I watch it flicker and fade away in my head.

I know she was disappointed that I didn't have my PhD yet, but that's changing. I'm supposed to defend as soon as Albrecht gets back from overseas at the end of August. I told Albrecht that once I got my PhD in hand, I was going to start talking with her about proposing (she didn't know this, though). We were supposed to move in together once my lease is up and her work contract is up in December, or soon after. And then once my work at SU is done in May we'd figure it out from there. We were finally taking care of ourselves, eating right, exercising, getting help for our depression. We were on the cusp of getting everything right. Everything we worked for was coming into view and I can't just believe it's over. All these steps I've been taking have been to secure a good life for us, for whatever future we decide on together. Whether that involves kids or not, I honestly could go either way. As long as it was with her. She was my end goal, the only constant in whatever future I envisioned, my one true certainty. Now I don't know what the fuck to do.

I don't want to bug her. I want to give her space if that's what she needs. I just want to know why this is happening. She cut off the conversation so abruptly that I've got nothing to work from. I can't heal if I don't even know if this is really over or if this is just a major scare. I just know that if we sit down and talk about it, really talk about it, we could get it sorted out and we'd both feel better, whatever the outcome.

But I won't stop loving her, no matter how much it hurts right now.
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(no subject) [Jul. 11th, 2016|08:15 am]
I Need to Change.
Now she's blocked me from Twitter. Still no communication. I miss her so much. I feel so worthless.
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(no subject) [Jul. 11th, 2016|01:51 am]
I Need to Change.
But I will fight for this until she tells me not to.
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(no subject) [Jul. 11th, 2016|01:46 am]
I Need to Change.
8 hours straight of sobbing, staring at the phone, texting, leaving voicemails every few hours. She said she didn't want to hurt me, but ignoring me hurts more than anything when so much is left unsaid. God, I hope that wasn't the last I ever hear from her. After all these years, she can't just disappear like that without any closure whatsoever... can she?

I haven't felt pain like this in over a decade. I can't do this. I'm going to write her a letter. Even if she never reads it, at least I'll get to say what I wanted to say.
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(no subject) [Jul. 10th, 2016|07:31 pm]
I Need to Change.
I have so much to say, and I can't contact her to say it.  I can't keep all this bottled inside.  Almost 6 years together... it can't end like this.  It just can't.  God I wish she'd turn her phone on.
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(no subject) [Jul. 10th, 2016|07:14 pm]
I Need to Change.
My suspicions were correct.  She just left me.  I'm fucking destroyed and I don't know what to do.  She was my everything... now she won't even pick up the phone.
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(no subject) [Jul. 4th, 2016|05:59 pm]
I Need to Change.
Whatever ability to cope other people have developed, I just don't have it yet.  I'm drowning here.
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